Twelfth Night

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Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare

Twelfth Night, or What You Will is a comedy by William Shakespeare. The play is named after the Twelfth Night holiday. It was written to be performed as part of Twelfth Night celebrations and first performed at Candlemas, February 2, which was then the culmination of the long winter feast, at Middle Temple Hall, London by Shakespeare's company, the Lord Chamberlain's Men. The presumed time of the play's composition is between 1599 and late 1601. — Excerpted from Twelfth Night on Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

• ORSINO, Duke of Illyria
• VALENTINE, gentleman attending on Orsino
• CURIO, gentleman attending on Orsino
• FIRST OFFICER
• SECOND OFFICER
• VIOLA, a lady, later disguised as Cesario
• SEBASTIAN, twin brother of Viola
• A SEA-CAPTAIN, friend of Viola
• ANTONIO, another sea-captain, friend of Sebastian
• OLIVIA, a Countess
• MARIA, her waiting woman
• SIR TOBY BELCH, Olivia's kinsman
• SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK, companion of Sir Toby
• MALVOLIO, steward to Olivia
• FABIAN, servant of Olivia
• CLOWN, a clown, Olivia's jester
• A PRIEST
• MUSICIANS, SAILORS, LORDS, ATTENDANTS, OFFICERS

LOCATION: A city in Illyria, and the sea-coast near it.

Contents 1 Act 1 1.1 SCENE I DUKE ORSINO's palace. 1.2 SCENE II The sea-coast. 1.3 SCENE III OLIVIA'S house. 1.4 SCENE IV DUKE ORSINO's palace. 1.5 SCENE V OLIVIA'S house. 2 Act II 2.1 SCENE I The sea-coast. 2.2 SCENE II A street. 2.3 SCENE III OLIVIA's house. 2.4 SCENE IV DUKE ORSINO's palace. 2.5 SCENE V OLIVIA's garden. 3 Act III 3.1 SCENE I OLIVIA's garden. 3.2 SCENE II OLIVIA's house. 3.3 SCENE III A street. 3.4 SCENE IV OLIVIA's garden. 4 ACT IV 4.1 SCENE I Before OLIVIA's house. 4.2 SCENE II OLIVIA's house. 4.3 SCENE III OLIVIA's garden. 5 ACT V 5.1 SCENE I Before OLIVIA's house.

[edit] Act 1

[edit] SCENE I DUKE ORSINO's palace.

[Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and other Lords;

Musicians attending]

DUKE ORSINO

If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

That strain again! it had a dying fall:

O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound,

That breathes upon a bank of violets,

Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more:

'Tis not so sweet now as it was before.

O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou,

That, notwithstanding thy capacity

Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there,

Of what validity and pitch soe'er,

But falls into abatement and low price,

Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy

That it alone is high fantastical.

CURIO

Will you go hunt, my lord?

DUKE ORSINO

What, Curio?

CURIO

The hart.

DUKE ORSINO

Why, so I do, the noblest that I have:

O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first,

Methought she purged the air of pestilence!

That instant was I turn'd into a hart;

And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds,

E'er since pursue me.

[Enter VALENTINE]

How now! what news from her?

VALENTINE

So please my lord, I might not be admitted;

But from her handmaid do return this answer:

The element itself, till seven years' heat,

Shall not behold her face at ample view;

But, like a cloistress, she will veiled walk

And water once a day her chamber round

With eye-offending brine: all this to season

A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh

And lasting in her sad remembrance.

DUKE ORSINO

O, she that hath a heart of that fine frame

To pay this debt of love but to a brother,

How will she love, when the rich golden shaft

Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else

That live in her; when liver, brain and heart,

These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and fill'd

Her sweet perfections with one self king!

Away before me to sweet beds of flowers:

Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE II The sea-coast.

[Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors]

VIOLA

What country, friends, is this?

Captain

This is Illyria, lady.

VIOLA

And what should I do in Illyria?

My brother he is in Elysium.

Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, sailors?

Captain

It is perchance that you yourself were saved.

VIOLA

O my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.

Captain

True, madam: and, to comfort you with chance,

Assure yourself, after our ship did split,

When you and those poor number saved with you

Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother,

Most provident in peril, bind himself,

Courage and hope both teaching him the practise,

To a strong mast that lived upon the sea;

Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back,

I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves

So long as I could see.

VIOLA

For saying so, there's gold:

Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope,

Whereto thy speech serves for authority,

The like of him. Know'st thou this country?

Captain

Ay, madam, well; for I was bred and born

Not three hours' travel from this very place.

VIOLA

Who governs here?

Captain

A noble duke, in nature as in name.

VIOLA

What is the name?

Captain

Orsino.

VIOLA

Orsino! I have heard my father name him:

He was a bachelor then.

Captain

And so is now, or was so very late;

For but a month ago I went from hence,

And then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know,

What great ones do the less will prattle of,--

That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.

VIOLA

What's she?

Captain

A virtuous maid, the daughter of a count

That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her

In the protection of his son, her brother,

Who shortly also died: for whose dear love,

They say, she hath abjured the company

And sight of men.

VIOLA

O that I served that lady

And might not be delivered to the world,

Till I had made mine own occasion mellow,

What my estate is!

Captain

That were hard to compass;

Because she will admit no kind of suit,

No, not the duke's.

VIOLA

There is a fair behavior in thee, captain;

And though that nature with a beauteous wall

Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee

I will believe thou hast a mind that suits

With this thy fair and outward character.

I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously,

Conceal me what I am, and be my aid

For such disguise as haply shall become

The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke:

Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him:

It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing

And speak to him in many sorts of music

That will allow me very worth his service.

What else may hap to time I will commit;

Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.

Captain

Be you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be:

When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.

VIOLA

I thank thee: lead me on.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE III OLIVIA'S house.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH

What a plague means my niece, to take the death of

her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.

MARIA

By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o'

nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great

exceptions to your ill hours.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, let her except, before excepted.

MARIA

Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest

limits of order.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Confine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am:

these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be

these boots too: an they be not, let them hang

themselves in their own straps.

MARIA

That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard

my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish

knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?

MARIA

Ay, he.

SIR TOBY BELCH

He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.

MARIA

What's that to the purpose?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.

MARIA

Ay, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats:

he's a very fool and a prodigal.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Fie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the

viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages

word for word without book, and hath all the good

gifts of nature.

MARIA

He hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that

he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that

he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he

hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent

he would quickly have the gift of a grave.

SIR TOBY BELCH

By this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors

that say so of him. Who are they?

MARIA

They that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.

SIR TOBY BELCH

With drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to

her as long as there is a passage in my throat and

drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill

that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn

o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench!

Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.

[Enter SIR ANDREW]

SIR ANDREW

Sir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Sweet Sir Andrew!

SIR ANDREW

Bless you, fair shrew.

MARIA

And you too, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.

SIR ANDREW

What's that?

SIR TOBY BELCH

My niece's chambermaid.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.

MARIA

My name is Mary, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Good Mistress Mary Accost,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

You mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board

her, woo her, assail her.

SIR ANDREW

By my troth, I would not undertake her in this

company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?

MARIA

Fare you well, gentlemen.

SIR TOBY BELCH

An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst

never draw sword again.

SIR ANDREW

An you part so, mistress, I would I might never

draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have

fools in hand?

MARIA

Sir, I have not you by the hand.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.

MARIA

Now, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring

your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.

SIR ANDREW

Wherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?

MARIA

It's dry, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Why, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can

keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?

MARIA

A dry jest, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Are you full of them?

MARIA

Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry,

now I let go your hand, I am barren.

[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH

O knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I

see thee so put down?

SIR ANDREW

Never in your life, I think; unless you see canary

put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit

than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a

great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.

SIR TOBY BELCH

No question.

SIR ANDREW

An I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home

to-morrow, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Pourquoi, my dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

What is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had

bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in

fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but

followed the arts!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.

SIR ANDREW

Why, would that have mended my hair?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.

SIR ANDREW

But it becomes me well enough, does't not?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Excellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I

hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs

and spin it off.

SIR ANDREW

Faith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece

will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one

she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.

SIR TOBY BELCH

She'll none o' the count: she'll not match above

her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I

have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't,

man.

SIR ANDREW

I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the

strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques

and revels sometimes altogether.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?

SIR ANDREW

As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the

degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare

with an old man.

SIR TOBY BELCH

What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?

SIR ANDREW

Faith, I can cut a caper.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And I can cut the mutton to't.

SIR ANDREW

And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong

as any man in Illyria.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Wherefore are these things hid? wherefore have

these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to

take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost

thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in

a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not

so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What

dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in?

I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy

leg, it was form'd under the star of a galliard.

SIR ANDREW

Ay, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a

flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?

SIR TOBY BELCH

What shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?

SIR ANDREW

Taurus! That's sides and heart.

SIR TOBY BELCH

No, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the

caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE IV DUKE ORSINO's palace.

[Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire]

VALENTINE

If the duke continue these favours towards you,

Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath

known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.

VIOLA

You either fear his humour or my negligence, that

you call in question the continuance of his love:

is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?

VALENTINE

No, believe me.

VIOLA

I thank you. Here comes the count.

[Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants]

DUKE ORSINO

Who saw Cesario, ho?

VIOLA

On your attendance, my lord; here.

DUKE ORSINO

Stand you a while aloof, Cesario,

Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd

To thee the book even of my secret soul:

Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her;

Be not denied access, stand at her doors,

And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow

Till thou have audience.

VIOLA

Sure, my noble lord,

If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow

As it is spoke, she never will admit me.

DUKE ORSINO

Be clamorous and leap all civil bounds

Rather than make unprofited return.

VIOLA

Say I do speak with her, my lord, what then?

DUKE ORSINO

O, then unfold the passion of my love,

Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith:

It shall become thee well to act my woes;

She will attend it better in thy youth

Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.

VIOLA

I think not so, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

Dear lad, believe it;

For they shall yet belie thy happy years,

That say thou art a man: Diana's lip

Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe

Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound,

And all is semblative a woman's part.

I know thy constellation is right apt

For this affair. Some four or five attend him;

All, if you will; for I myself am best

When least in company. Prosper well in this,

And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord,

To call his fortunes thine.

VIOLA

I'll do my best

To woo your lady:

[Aside]

yet, a barful strife!

Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE V OLIVIA'S house.

[Enter MARIA and CLOWN]

MARIA

Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will

not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in

way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.

CLOWN

Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this

world needs to fear no colours.

MARIA

Make that good.

CLOWN

He shall see none to fear.

MARIA

A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that

saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'

CLOWN

Where, good Mistress Mary?

MARIA

In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.

CLOWN

Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those

that are fools, let them use their talents.

MARIA

Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or,

to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?

CLOWN

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and,

for turning away, let summer bear it out.

MARIA

You are resolute, then?

CLOWN

Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

MARIA

That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both

break, your gaskins fall.

CLOWN

Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if

Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a

piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

MARIA

Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my

lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

[Exit]

CLOWN

Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!

Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft

prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may

pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?

'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'

[Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO]

God bless thee, lady!

CLOWN

Take the fool away.

Clown

Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

OLIVIA

Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:

besides, you grow dishonest.

CLOWN

Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel

will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is

the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend

himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if

he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing

that's mended is but patched: virtue that

transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that

amends is but patched with virtue. If that this

simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,

what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but

calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take

away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA

Sir, I bade them take away you.

CLOWN

Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non

facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not

motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to

prove you a fool.

OLIVIA

Can you do it?

CLOWN

Dexterously, good madonna.

OLIVIA

Make your proof.

CLOWN

I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse

of virtue, answer me.

OLIVIA

Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

CLOWN

Good madonna, why mournest thou?

OLIVIA

Good fool, for my brother's death.

CLOWN

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

OLIVIA

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

CLOWN

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's

soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

OLIVIA

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?

MALVOLIO

Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:

infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the

better fool.

CLOWN

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the

better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be

sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his

word for two pence that you are no fool.

OLIVIA

How say you to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a

barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day

with an ordinary fool that has no more brain

than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard

already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to

him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,

that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better

than the fools' zanies.

OLIVIA

Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste

with a distempered appetite. To be generous,

guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those

things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:

there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do

nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet

man, though he do nothing but reprove.

CLOWN

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou

speakest well of fools!

[Re-enter MARIA]

MARIA

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much

desires to speak with you.

CLOWN

From the Count Orsino, is it?

MARIA

I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.

OLIVIA

Who of my people hold him in delay?

MARIA

Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

OLIVIA

Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but

madman: fie on him!

[Exit MARIA]

Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I

am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.

[Exit MALVOLIO]

Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and

people dislike it.

CLOWN

Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest

son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with

brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a

most weak pia mater.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH]

OLIVIA

By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A gentleman.

OLIVIA

A gentleman! what gentleman?

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these

pickle-herring! How now, sot!

CLOWN

Good Sir Toby!

OLIVIA

Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

OLIVIA

Ay, marry, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give

me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.

[Exit]

OLIVIA

What's a drunken man like, fool?

CLOWN

Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one

draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads

him; and a third drowns him.

OLIVIA

Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my

coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's

drowned: go, look after him.

CLOWN

He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look

to the madman.

[Exit]

[Re-enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO

Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with

you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to

understand so much, and therefore comes to speak

with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to

have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore

comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,

lady? he's fortified against any denial.

OLIVIA

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO

Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your

door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to

a bench, but he'll speak with you.

OLIVIA

What kind o' man is he?

MALVOLIO

Why, of mankind.

OLIVIA

What manner of man?

MALVOLIO

Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.

OLIVIA

Of what personage and years is he?

MALVOLIO

Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for

a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a

codling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him

in standing water, between boy and man. He is very

well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one

would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.

OLIVIA

Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

MALVOLIO

Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

[Exit]

[Re-enter MARIA]

OLIVIA

Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.

We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

[Enter VIOLA, and Attendants]

VIOLA

The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

OLIVIA

Speak to me; I shall answer for her.

Your will?

VIOLA

Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I

pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,

for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away

my speech, for besides that it is excellently well

penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good

beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very

comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

OLIVIA

Whence came you, sir?

VIOLA

I can say little more than I have studied, and that

question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me

modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,

that I may proceed in my speech.

OLIVIA

Are you a comedian?

VIOLA

No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs

of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you

the lady of the house?

OLIVIA

If I do not usurp myself, I am.

VIOLA

Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp

yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours

to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will

on with my speech in your praise, and then show you

the heart of my message.

OLIVIA

Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.

VIOLA

Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

OLIVIA

It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,

keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,

and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you

than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if

you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of

moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

MARIA

Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.

VIOLA

No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little

longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet

lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.

OLIVIA

Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when

the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

VIOLA

It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of

war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my

hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.

OLIVIA

Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?

VIOLA

The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I

learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I

would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,

divinity, to any other's, profanation.

OLIVIA

Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

[Exeunt MARIA and Attendants]

Now, sir, what is your text?

VIOLA

Most sweet lady,--

OLIVIA

A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.

Where lies your text?

VIOLA

In Orsino's bosom.

OLIVIA

In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?

VIOLA

To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.

OLIVIA

O, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?

VIOLA

Good madam, let me see your face.

OLIVIA

Have you any commission from your lord to negotiate

with my face? You are now out of your text: but

we will draw the curtain and show you the picture.

Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't

not well done?

[Unveiling]

VIOLA

Excellently done, if God did all.

OLIVIA

'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.

VIOLA

'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white

Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on:

Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive,

If you will lead these graces to the grave

And leave the world no copy.

OLIVIA

O, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give

out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be

inventoried, and every particle and utensil

labelled to my will: as, item, two lips,

indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to

them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were

you sent hither to praise me?

VIOLA

I see you what you are, you are too proud;

But, if you were the devil, you are fair.

My lord and master loves you: O, such love

Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd

The nonpareil of beauty!

OLIVIA

How does he love me?

VIOLA

With adorations, fertile tears,

With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.

OLIVIA

Your lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:

Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,

Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;

In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant;

And in dimension and the shape of nature

A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;

He might have took his answer long ago.

VIOLA

If I did love you in my master's flame,

With such a suffering, such a deadly life,

In your denial I would find no sense;

I would not understand it.

OLIVIA

Why, what would you?

VIOLA

Make me a willow cabin at your gate,

And call upon my soul within the house;

Write loyal cantons of contemned love

And sing them loud even in the dead of night;

Halloo your name to the reverberate hills

And make the babbling gossip of the air

Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest

Between the elements of air and earth,

But you should pity me!

OLIVIA

You might do much.

What is your parentage?

VIOLA

Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:

I am a gentleman.

OLIVIA

Get you to your lord;

I cannot love him: let him send no more;

Unless, perchance, you come to me again,

To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:

I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.

VIOLA

I am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse:

My master, not myself, lacks recompense.

Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;

And let your fervor, like my master's, be

Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.

[Exit]

OLIVIA

'What is your parentage?'

'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:

I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art;

Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,

Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast:

soft, soft!

Unless the master were the man. How now!

Even so quickly may one catch the plague?

Methinks I feel this youth's perfections

With an invisible and subtle stealth

To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.

What ho, Malvolio!

[Re-enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO

Here, madam, at your service.

OLIVIA

Run after that same peevish messenger,

The county's man: he left this ring behind him,

Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it.

Desire him not to flatter with his lord,

Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:

If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,

I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.

MALVOLIO

Madam, I will.

[Exit]

OLIVIA

I do I know not what, and fear to find

Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.

Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;

What is decreed must be, and be this so.

[Exit]

[edit] Act II

[edit] SCENE I The sea-coast.

[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN]

ANTONIO

Will you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?

SEBASTIAN

By your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over

me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps

distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your

leave that I may bear my evils alone: it were a bad

recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.

ANTONIO

Let me yet know of you whither you are bound.

SEBASTIAN

No, sooth, sir: my determinate voyage is mere

extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a

touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me

what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges

me in manners the rather to express myself. You

must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian,

which I called Roderigo. My father was that

Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard

of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both

born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased,

would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that;

for some hour before you took me from the breach of

the sea was my sister drowned.

ANTONIO

Alas the day!

SEBASTIAN

A lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled

me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but,

though I could not with such estimable wonder

overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly

publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but

call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt

water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.

ANTONIO

Pardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.

SEBASTIAN

O good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.

ANTONIO

If you will not murder me for my love, let me be

your servant.

SEBASTIAN

If you will not undo what you have done, that is,

kill him whom you have recovered, desire it not.

Fare ye well at once: my bosom is full of kindness,

and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that

upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell

tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.

[Exit]

ANTONIO

The gentleness of all the gods go with thee!

I have many enemies in Orsino's court,

Else would I very shortly see thee there.

But, come what may, I do adore thee so,

That danger shall seem sport, and I will go.

[Exit]

[edit] SCENE II A street.

[Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following]

MALVOLIO

Were not you even now with the Countess Olivia?

VIOLA

Even now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since

arrived but hither.

MALVOLIO

She returns this ring to you, sir: you might have

saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself.

She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord

into a desperate assurance she will none of him:

and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to

come again in his affairs, unless it be to report

your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.

VIOLA

She took the ring of me: I'll none of it.

MALVOLIO

Come, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her

will is, it should be so returned: if it be worth

stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be

it his that finds it.

[Exit]

VIOLA

I left no ring with her: what means this lady?

Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!

She made good view of me; indeed, so much,

That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,

For she did speak in starts distractedly.

She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion

Invites me in this churlish messenger.

None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.

I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,

Poor lady, she were better love a dream.

Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,

Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.

How easy is it for the proper-false

In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!

Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!

For such as we are made of, such we be.

How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;

And I, poor monster, fond as much on him;

And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.

What will become of this? As I am man,

My state is desperate for my master's love;

As I am woman,--now alas the day!--

What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!

O time! thou must untangle this, not I;

It is too hard a knot for me to untie!

[Exit]

[edit] SCENE III OLIVIA's house.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Approach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after

midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo

surgere,' thou know'st,--

SIR ANDREW

Nay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up

late is to be up late.

SIR TOBY BELCH

A false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can.

To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is

early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go

to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the

four elements?

SIR ANDREW

Faith, so they say; but I think it rather consists

of eating and drinking.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Thou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink.

Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!

[Enter Clown]

SIR ANDREW

Here comes the fool, i' faith.

Clown

How now, my hearts! did you never see the picture

of 'we three'?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Welcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.

SIR ANDREW

By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I

had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg,

and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In

sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last

night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the

Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas

very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy

leman: hadst it?

Clown

I did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose

is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the

Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.

SIR ANDREW

Excellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all

is done. Now, a song.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.

SIR ANDREW

There's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--

Clown

Would you have a love-song, or a song of good life?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A love-song, a love-song.

SIR ANDREW

Ay, ay: I care not for good life.

Clown

[Sings]

O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O, stay and hear; your true love's coming,

That can sing both high and low:

Trip no further, pretty sweeting;

Journeys end in lovers meeting,

Every wise man's son doth know.

SIR ANDREW

Excellent good, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Good, good.

Clown

[Sings]

What is love? 'tis not hereafter;

Present mirth hath present laughter;

What's to come is still unsure:

In delay there lies no plenty;

Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty,

Youth's a stuff will not endure.

SIR ANDREW

A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.

SIR TOBY BELCH

A contagious breath.

SIR ANDREW

Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion.

But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we

rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three

souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?

SIR ANDREW

An you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.

Clown

By'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.

SIR ANDREW

Most certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'

Clown

'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be

constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.

SIR ANDREW

'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to

call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'

Clown

I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

SIR ANDREW

Good, i' faith. Come, begin.

[Catch sung]

[Enter MARIA]

MARIA

What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady

have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him

turn you out of doors, never trust me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

My lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's

a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not

I consanguineous? am I not of her blood?

Tillyvally. Lady!

[Sings]

'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'

Clown

Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.

SIR ANDREW

Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do

I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it

more natural.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--

MARIA

For the love o' God, peace!

[Enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO

My masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye

no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like

tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an

alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your

coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse

of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor

time in you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!

MALVOLIO

Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me

tell you, that, though she harbours you as her

kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If

you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you

are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please

you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid

you farewell.

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'

MARIA

Nay, good Sir Toby.

Clown

'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'

MALVOLIO

Is't even so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

'But I will never die.'

Clown

Sir Toby, there you lie.

MALVOLIO

This is much credit to you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Shall I bid him go?'

Clown

'What an if you do?'

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'

Clown

'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'

SIR TOBY BELCH

Out o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a

steward? Dost thou think, because thou art

virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?

Clown

Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the

mouth too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with

crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!

MALVOLIO

Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any

thing more than contempt, you would not give means

for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.

[Exit]

MARIA

Go shake your ears.

SIR ANDREW

'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's

a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to

break promise with him and make a fool of him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Do't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll

deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.

MARIA

Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the

youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is

much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me

alone with him: if I do not gull him into a

nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not

think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed:

I know I can do it.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him.

MARIA

Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.

SIR ANDREW

O, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!

SIR TOBY BELCH

What, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason,

dear knight?

SIR ANDREW

I have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason

good enough.

MARIA

The devil a puritan that he is, or any thing

constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass,

that cons state without book and utters it by great

swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so

crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is

his grounds of faith that all that look on him love

him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find

notable cause to work.

SIR TOBY BELCH

What wilt thou do?

MARIA

I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of

love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape

of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure

of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find

himself most feelingly personated. I can write very

like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we

can hardly make distinction of our hands.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Excellent! I smell a device.

SIR ANDREW

I have't in my nose too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop,

that they come from my niece, and that she's in

love with him.

MARIA

My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.

SIR ANDREW

And your horse now would make him an ass.

MARIA

Ass, I doubt not.

SIR ANDREW

O, 'twill be admirable!

MARIA

Sport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will

work with him. I will plant you two, and let the

fool make a third, where he shall find the letter:

observe his construction of it. For this night, to

bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.

[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Good night, Penthesilea.

SIR ANDREW

Before me, she's a good wench.

SIR TOBY BELCH

She's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me:

what o' that?

SIR ANDREW

I was adored once too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for

more money.

SIR ANDREW

If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Send for money, knight: if thou hast her not i'

the end, call me cut.

SIR ANDREW

If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late

to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE IV DUKE ORSINO's palace.

[Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others]

DUKE ORSINO

Give me some music. Now, good morrow, friends.

Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song,

That old and antique song we heard last night:

Methought it did relieve my passion much,

More than light airs and recollected terms

Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times:

Come, but one verse.

CURIO

He is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.

DUKE ORSINO

Who was it?

CURIO

Feste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady

Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.

DUKE ORSINO

Seek him out, and play the tune the while.

[Exit CURIO. Music plays]

Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love,

In the sweet pangs of it remember me;

For such as I am all true lovers are,

Unstaid and skittish in all motions else,

Save in the constant image of the creature

That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?

VIOLA

It gives a very echo to the seat

Where Love is throned.

DUKE ORSINO

Thou dost speak masterly:

My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye

Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves:

Hath it not, boy?

VIOLA

A little, by your favour.

DUKE ORSINO

What kind of woman is't?

VIOLA

Of your complexion.

DUKE ORSINO

She is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?

VIOLA

About your years, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

Too old by heaven: let still the woman take

An elder than herself: so wears she to him,

So sways she level in her husband's heart:

For, boy, however we do praise ourselves,

Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm,

More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn,

Than women's are.

VIOLA

I think it well, my lord.

DUKE ORSINO

Then let thy love be younger than thyself,

Or thy affection cannot hold the bent;

For women are as roses, whose fair flower

Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.

VIOLA

And so they are: alas, that they are so;

To die, even when they to perfection grow!

[Re-enter CURIO and Clown]

DUKE ORSINO

O, fellow, come, the song we had last night.

Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain;

The spinsters and the knitters in the sun

And the free maids that weave their thread with bones

Do use to chant it: it is silly sooth,

And dallies with the innocence of love,

Like the old age.

Clown

Are you ready, sir?

DUKE ORSINO

Ay; prithee, sing.

[Music]

SONG.

Clown

Come away, come away, death,

And in sad cypress let me be laid;

Fly away, fly away breath;

I am slain by a fair cruel maid.

My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,

O, prepare it!

My part of death, no one so true

Did share it.

Not a flower, not a flower sweet

On my black coffin let there be strown;

Not a friend, not a friend greet

My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown:

A thousand thousand sighs to save,

Lay me, O, where

Sad true lover never find my grave,

To weep there!

DUKE ORSINO

There's for thy pains.

Clown

No pains, sir: I take pleasure in singing, sir.

DUKE ORSINO

I'll pay thy pleasure then.

Clown

Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.

DUKE ORSINO

Give me now leave to leave thee.

Clown

Now, the melancholy god protect thee; and the

tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for

thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such

constancy put to sea, that their business might be

every thing and their intent every where; for that's

it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.

[Exit]

DUKE ORSINO

Let all the rest give place.

[CURIO and Attendants retire]

Once more, Cesario,

Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty:

Tell her, my love, more noble than the world,

Prizes not quantity of dirty lands;

The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her,

Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune;

But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems

That nature pranks her in attracts my soul.

VIOLA

But if she cannot love you, sir?

DUKE ORSINO

I cannot be so answer'd.

VIOLA

Sooth, but you must.

Say that some lady, as perhaps there is,

Hath for your love a great a pang of heart

As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her;

You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?

DUKE ORSINO

There is no woman's sides

Can bide the beating of so strong a passion

As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart

So big, to hold so much; they lack retention

Alas, their love may be call'd appetite,

No motion of the liver, but the palate,

That suffer surfeit, cloyment and revolt;

But mine is all as hungry as the sea,

And can digest as much: make no compare

Between that love a woman can bear me

And that I owe Olivia.

VIOLA

Ay, but I know--

DUKE ORSINO

What dost thou know?

VIOLA

Too well what love women to men may owe:

In faith, they are as true of heart as we.

My father had a daughter loved a man,

As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman,

I should your lordship.

DUKE ORSINO

And what's her history?

VIOLA

A blank, my lord. She never told her love,

But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud,

Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought,

And with a green and yellow melancholy

She sat like patience on a monument,

Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed?

We men may say more, swear more: but indeed

Our shows are more than will; for still we prove

Much in our vows, but little in our love.

DUKE ORSINO

But died thy sister of her love, my boy?

VIOLA

I am all the daughters of my father's house,

And all the brothers too: and yet I know not.

Sir, shall I to this lady?

DUKE ORSINO

Ay, that's the theme.

To her in haste; give her this jewel; say,

My love can give no place, bide no denay.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE V OLIVIA's garden.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.

FABIAN

Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,

let me be boiled to death with melancholy.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly

rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?

FABIAN

I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'

favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will

fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?

SIR ANDREW

An we do not, it is pity of our lives.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here comes the little villain.

[Enter MARIA]

How now, my metal of India!

MARIA

Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's

coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the

sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half

hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I

know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of

him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,

[Throws down a letter]

for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.

[Exit]

[Enter MALVOLIO]

MALVOLIO

'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told

me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come

thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one

of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more

exalted respect than any one else that follows her.

What should I think on't?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Here's an overweening rogue!

FABIAN

O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock

of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!

SIR ANDREW

'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Peace, I say.

MALVOLIO

To be Count Malvolio!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ah, rogue!

SIR ANDREW

Pistol him, pistol him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Peace, peace!

MALVOLIO

There is example for't; the lady of the Strachy

married the yeoman of the wardrobe.

SIR ANDREW

Fie on him, Jezebel!

FABIAN

O, peace! now he's deeply in: look how

imagination blows him.

MALVOLIO

Having been three months married to her, sitting in

my state,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!

MALVOLIO

Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet

gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left

Olivia sleeping,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

Fire and brimstone!

FABIAN

O, peace, peace!

MALVOLIO

And then to have the humour of state; and after a

demure travel of regard, telling them I know my

place as I would they should do theirs, to for my

kinsman Toby,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

Bolts and shackles!

FABIAN

O peace, peace, peace! now, now.

MALVOLIO

Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make

out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind

up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby

approaches; courtesies there to me,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

Shall this fellow live?

FABIAN

Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.

MALVOLIO

I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar

smile with an austere regard of control,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?

MALVOLIO

Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on

your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--

SIR TOBY BELCH

What, what?

MALVOLIO

'You must amend your drunkenness.'

SIR TOBY BELCH

Out, scab!

FABIAN

Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.

MALVOLIO

'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with

a foolish knight,'--

SIR ANDREW

That's me, I warrant you.

MALVOLIO

'One Sir Andrew,'--

SIR ANDREW

I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.

MALVOLIO

What employment have we here?

[Taking up the letter]

FABIAN

Now is the woodcock near the gin.

SIR TOBY BELCH

O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading

aloud to him!

MALVOLIO

By my life, this is my lady's hand these be her

very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her

great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.

SIR ANDREW

Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?

MALVOLIO

[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good

wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.

Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she

uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?

FABIAN

This wins him, liver and all.

MALVOLIO

[Reads]

Jove knows I love: But who?

Lips, do not move;

No man must know.

'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers

altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be

thee, Malvolio?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Marry, hang thee, brock!

MALVOLIO

[Reads]

I may command where I adore;

But silence, like a Lucrece knife,

With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:

M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.

FABIAN

A fustian riddle!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Excellent wench, say I.

MALVOLIO

'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let

me see, let me see, let me see.

FABIAN

What dish o' poison has she dressed him!

SIR TOBY BELCH

And with what wing the staniel cheques at it!

MALVOLIO

'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command

me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is

evident to any formal capacity; there is no

obstruction in this: and the end,--what should

that alphabetical position portend? If I could make

that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,

I,--

SIR TOBY BELCH

O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.

FABIAN

Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as

rank as a fox.

MALVOLIO

M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.

FABIAN

Did not I say he would work it out? the cur is

excellent at faults.

MALVOLIO

M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;

that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.

FABIAN

And O shall end, I hope.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!

MALVOLIO

And then I comes behind.

FABIAN

Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see

more detraction at your heels than fortunes before

you.

MALVOLIO

M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and

yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for

every one of these letters are in my name. Soft!

here follows prose.

[Reads]

'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I

am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some

are born great, some achieve greatness, and some

have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open

their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;

and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,

cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be

opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let

thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into

the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee

that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy

yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever

cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art

made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see

thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and

not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.

She that would alter services with thee,

THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'

Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is

open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,

I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross

acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.

I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade

me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady

loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of

late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;

and in this she manifests herself to my love, and

with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits

of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will

be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and

cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting

on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a

postscript.

[Reads]

'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou

entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;

thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my

presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'

Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do

everything that thou wilt have me.

[Exit]

FABIAN

I will not give my part of this sport for a pension

of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I could marry this wench for this device.

SIR ANDREW

So could I too.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.

SIR ANDREW

Nor I neither.

FABIAN

Here comes my noble gull-catcher.

[Re-enter MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?

SIR ANDREW

Or o' mine either?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy

bond-slave?

SIR ANDREW

I' faith, or I either?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when

the image of it leaves him he must run mad.

MARIA

Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.

MARIA

If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark

his first approach before my lady: he will come to

her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she

abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;

and he will smile upon her, which will now be so

unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a

melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him

into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow

me.

SIR TOBY BELCH

To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!

SIR ANDREW

I'll make one too.

[Exeunt]

[edit] Act III

[edit] SCENE I OLIVIA's garden.

[Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour]

VIOLA

Save thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by

thy tabour?

Clown

No, sir, I live by the church.

VIOLA

Art thou a churchman?

Clown

No such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for

I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by

the church.

VIOLA

So thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a

beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy

tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.

Clown

You have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is

but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the

wrong side may be turned outward!

VIOLA

Nay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with

words may quickly make them wanton.

Clown

I would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.

VIOLA

Why, man?

Clown

Why, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that

word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words

are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.

VIOLA

Thy reason, man?

Clown

Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and

words are grown so false, I am loath to prove

reason with them.

VIOLA

I warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.

Clown

Not so, sir, I do care for something; but in my

conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be

to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.

VIOLA

Art not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?

Clown

No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she

will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and

fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to

herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not

her fool, but her corrupter of words.

VIOLA

I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.

Clown

Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun,

it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but

the fool should be as oft with your master as with

my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.

VIOLA

Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.

Hold, there's expenses for thee.

Clown

Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!

VIOLA

By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for

one;

[Aside]

though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy

lady within?

Clown

Would not a pair of these have bred, sir?

VIOLA

Yes, being kept together and put to use.

Clown

I would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring

a Cressida to this Troilus.

VIOLA

I understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.

Clown

The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but

a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is

within, sir. I will construe to them whence you

come; who you are and what you would are out of my

welkin, I might say 'element,' but the word is over-worn.

[Exit]

VIOLA

This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;

And to do that well craves a kind of wit:

He must observe their mood on whom he jests,

The quality of persons, and the time,

And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather

That comes before his eye. This is a practise

As full of labour as a wise man's art

For folly that he wisely shows is fit;

But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Save you, gentleman.

VIOLA

And you, sir.

SIR ANDREW

Dieu vous garde, monsieur.

VIOLA

Et vous aussi; votre serviteur.

SIR ANDREW

I hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Will you encounter the house? my niece is desirous

you should enter, if your trade be to her.

VIOLA

I am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the

list of my voyage.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Taste your legs, sir; put them to motion.

VIOLA

My legs do better understand me, sir, than I

understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I mean, to go, sir, to enter.

VIOLA

I will answer you with gait and entrance. But we

are prevented.

[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA]

Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain

odours on you!

SIR ANDREW

That youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.

VIOLA

My matter hath no voice, to your own most pregnant

and vouchsafed ear.

SIR ANDREW

'Odours,' 'pregnant' and 'vouchsafed:' I'll get 'em

all three all ready.

OLIVIA

Let the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA]

Give me your hand, sir.

VIOLA

My duty, madam, and most humble service.

OLIVIA

What is your name?

VIOLA

Cesario is your servant's name, fair princess.

OLIVIA

My servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world

Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment:

You're servant to the Count Orsino, youth.

VIOLA

And he is yours, and his must needs be yours:

Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.

OLIVIA

For him, I think not on him: for his thoughts,

Would they were blanks, rather than fill'd with me!

VIOLA

Madam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts

On his behalf.

OLIVIA

O, by your leave, I pray you,

I bade you never speak again of him:

But, would you undertake another suit,

I had rather hear you to solicit that

Than music from the spheres.

VIOLA

Dear lady,--

OLIVIA

Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,

After the last enchantment you did here,

A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse

Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you:

Under your hard construction must I sit,

To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,

Which you knew none of yours: what might you think?

Have you not set mine honour at the stake

And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts

That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving

Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,

Hideth my heart. So, let me hear you speak.

VIOLA

I pity you.

OLIVIA

That's a degree to love.

VIOLA

No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof,

That very oft we pity enemies.

OLIVIA

Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again.

O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!

If one should be a prey, how much the better

To fall before the lion than the wolf!

[Clock strikes]

The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.

Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:

And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,

Your were is alike to reap a proper man:

There lies your way, due west.

VIOLA

Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition

Attend your ladyship!

You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?

OLIVIA

Stay:

I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.

VIOLA

That you do think you are not what you are.

OLIVIA

If I think so, I think the same of you.

VIOLA

Then think you right: I am not what I am.

OLIVIA

I would you were as I would have you be!

VIOLA

Would it be better, madam, than I am?

I wish it might, for now I am your fool.

OLIVIA

O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful

In the contempt and anger of his lip!

A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon

Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.

Cesario, by the roses of the spring,

By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing,

I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,

Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.

Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,

For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause,

But rather reason thus with reason fetter,

Love sought is good, but given unsought better.

VIOLA

By innocence I swear, and by my youth

I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,

And that no woman has; nor never none

Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.

And so adieu, good madam: never more

Will I my master's tears to you deplore.

OLIVIA

Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move

That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE II OLIVIA's house.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]

SIR ANDREW

No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

FABIAN

You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to the

count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;

I saw't i' the orchard.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

SIR ANDREW

As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN

This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

SIR ANDREW

'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?

FABIAN

I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of

judgment and reason.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah

was a sailor.

FABIAN

She did show favour to the youth in your sight only

to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to

put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.

You should then have accosted her; and with some

excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should

have banged the youth into dumbness. This was

looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the

double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash

off, and you are now sailed into the north of my

lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle

on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by

some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

SIR ANDREW

An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy

I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a

politician.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of

valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight

with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall

take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no

love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's

commendation with woman than report of valour.

FABIAN

There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;

it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun

of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:

if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be

amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of

paper, although the sheet were big enough for the

bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.

Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou

write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

SIR ANDREW

Where shall I find you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.

[Exit SIR ANDREW]

FABIAN

This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand

strong, or so.

FABIAN

We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll

not deliver't?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the

youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes

cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were

opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as

will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of

the anatomy.

FABIAN

And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no

great presage of cruelty.

[Enter MARIA]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA

If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself

into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is

turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no

Christian, that means to be saved by believing

rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages

of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And cross-gartered?

MARIA

Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school

i' the church. I have dogged him, like his

murderer. He does obey every point of the letter

that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his

face into more lines than is in the new map with the

augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such

a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things

at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,

he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, bring us, bring us where he is.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE III A street.

[Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO]

SEBASTIAN

I would not by my will have troubled you;

But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,

I will no further chide you.

ANTONIO

I could not stay behind you: my desire,

More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;

And not all love to see you, though so much

As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,

But jealousy what might befall your travel,

Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,

Unguided and unfriended, often prove

Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,

The rather by these arguments of fear,

Set forth in your pursuit.

SEBASTIAN

My kind Antonio,

I can no other answer make but thanks,

And thanks; and ever; oft good turns

Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:

But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,

You should find better dealing. What's to do?

Shall we go see the reliques of this town?

ANTONIO

To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.

SEBASTIAN

I am not weary, and 'tis long to night:

I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes

With the memorials and the things of fame

That do renown this city.

ANTONIO

Would you'ld pardon me;

I do not without danger walk these streets:

Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys

I did some service; of such note indeed,

That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.

SEBASTIAN

Belike you slew great number of his people.

ANTONIO

The offence is not of such a bloody nature;

Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel

Might well have given us bloody argument.

It might have since been answer'd in repaying

What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,

Most of our city did: only myself stood out;

For which, if I be lapsed in this place,

I shall pay dear.

SEBASTIAN

Do not then walk too open.

ANTONIO

It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.

In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,

Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,

Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge

With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.

SEBASTIAN

Why I your purse?

ANTONIO

Haply your eye shall light upon some toy

You have desire to purchase; and your store,

I think, is not for idle markets, sir.

SEBASTIAN

I'll be your purse-bearer and leave you

For an hour.

ANTONIO

To the Elephant.

SEBASTIAN

I do remember.

[Exeunt]

[edit] SCENE IV OLIVIA's garden.

[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA]

OLIVIA

I have sent after him: he says he'll come;

How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?

For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.

I speak too loud.

Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,

And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:

Where is Malvolio?

MARIA

He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He

is, sure, possessed, madam.

OLIVIA

Why, what's the matter? does he rave?

MARIA

No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your

ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if

he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.

OLIVIA

Go call him hither.

[Exit MARIA]

I am as mad as he,

If sad and merry madness equal be.

[Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO]

How now, Malvolio!

MALVOLIO

Sweet lady, ho, ho.

OLIVIA

Smilest thou?

I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.

MALVOLIO

Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some

obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but

what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is

with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and

please all.'

OLIVIA

Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?

MALVOLIO

Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It

did come to his hands, and commands shall be

executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.

OLIVIA

Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.

OLIVIA

God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss

thy hand so oft?

MARIA

How do you, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.

MARIA

Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?

MALVOLIO

'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.

OLIVIA

What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

'Some are born great,'--

OLIVIA

Ha!

MALVOLIO

'Some achieve greatness,'--

OLIVIA

What sayest thou?

MALVOLIO

'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'

OLIVIA

Heaven restore thee!

MALVOLIO

'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'--

OLIVIA

Thy yellow stockings!

MALVOLIO

'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'

OLIVIA

Cross-gartered!

MALVOLIO

'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--

OLIVIA

Am I made?

MALVOLIO

'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'

OLIVIA

Why, this is very midsummer madness.

[Enter Servant]

Servant

Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is

returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he

attends your ladyship's pleasure.

OLIVIA

I'll come to him.

[Exit Servant]

Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's

my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special

care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the

half of my dowry.

[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA]

MALVOLIO

O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than

Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with

the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may

appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that

in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;

'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;

let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put

thyself into the trick of singularity;' and

consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad

face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the

habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have

limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me

thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this

fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor

after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing

adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no

scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous

or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing

that can be can come between me and the full

prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the

doer of this, and he is to be thanked.

[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all

the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion

himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.

FABIAN

Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?

how is't with you, man?

MALVOLIO

Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go

off.

MARIA

Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not

I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a

care of him.

MALVOLIO

Ah, ha! does she so?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently

with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how

is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:

consider, he's an enemy to mankind.

MALVOLIO

Do you know what you say?

MARIA

La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes

it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!

FABIAN

Carry his water to the wise woman.

MARIA

Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I

live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.

MALVOLIO

How now, mistress!

MARIA

O Lord!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do

you not see you move him? let me alone with him.

FABIAN

No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is

rough, and will not be roughly used.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?

MALVOLIO

Sir!

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for

gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang

him, foul collier!

MARIA

Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.

MALVOLIO

My prayers, minx!

MARIA

No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.

MALVOLIO

Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow

things: I am not of your element: you shall know

more hereafter.

[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Is't possible?

FABIAN

If this were played upon a stage now, I could

condemn it as an improbable fiction.

SIR TOBY BELCH

His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.

MARIA

Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.

FABIAN

Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

MARIA

The house will be the quieter.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My

niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we

may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,

till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt

us to have mercy on him: at which time we will

bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a

finder of madmen. But see, but see.

[Enter SIR ANDREW]

FABIAN

More matter for a May morning.

SIR ANDREW

Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's

vinegar and pepper in't.

FABIAN

Is't so saucy?

SIR ANDREW

Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Give me.

[Reads]

'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'

FABIAN

Good, and valiant.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind,

why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'

FABIAN

A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my

sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy

throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'

FABIAN

Very brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it

be thy chance to kill me,'--

FABIAN

Good.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'

FABIAN

Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon

one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but

my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy

friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,

ANDREW AGUECHEEK.

If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:

I'll give't him.

MARIA

You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in

some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the

orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest

him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for

it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a

swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood

more approbation than ever proof itself would have

earned him. Away!

SIR ANDREW

Nay, let me alone for swearing.

[Exit]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior

of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good

capacity and breeding; his employment between his

lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this

letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no

terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a

clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by

word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report

of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his

youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous

opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.

This will so fright them both that they will kill

one another by the look, like cockatrices.

[Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA]

FABIAN

Here he comes with your niece: give them way till

he take leave, and presently after him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I will meditate the while upon some horrid message

for a challenge.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA]

OLIVIA

I have said too much unto a heart of stone

And laid mine honour too unchary out:

There's something in me that reproves my fault;

But such a headstrong potent fault it is,

That it but mocks reproof.

VIOLA

With the same 'havior that your passion bears

Goes on my master's grief.

OLIVIA

Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;

Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;

And I beseech you come again to-morrow.

What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,

That honour saved may upon asking give?

VIOLA

Nothing but this; your true love for my master.

OLIVIA

How with mine honour may I give him that

Which I have given to you?

VIOLA

I will acquit you.

OLIVIA

Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:

A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

[Exit]

[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Gentleman, God save thee.

VIOLA

And you, sir.

SIR TOBY BELCH

That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what

nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know

not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as

the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:

dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for

thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

VIOLA

You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel

to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from

any image of offence done to any man.

SIR TOBY BELCH

You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,

if you hold your life at any price, betake you to

your guard; for your opposite hath in him what

youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.

VIOLA

I pray you, sir, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on

carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private

brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and

his incensement at this moment is so implacable,

that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death

and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.

VIOLA

I will return again into the house and desire some

conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard

of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on

others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man

of that quirk.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a

very competent injury: therefore, get you on and

give him his desire. Back you shall not to the

house, unless you undertake that with me which with

as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,

or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you

must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.

VIOLA

This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me

this courteous office, as to know of the knight what

my offence to him is: it is something of my

negligence, nothing of my purpose.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this

gentleman till my return.

[Exit]

VIOLA

Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

FABIAN

I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a

mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

VIOLA

I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

FABIAN

Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by

his form, as you are like to find him in the proof

of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,

bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly

have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk

towards him? I will make your peace with him if I

can.

VIOLA

I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that

had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I

care not who knows so much of my mettle.

[Exeunt]

[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW]

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a

firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and

all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal

motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he

pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they

step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

SIR ANDREW

Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can

scarce hold him yonder.

SIR ANDREW

Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so

cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld

have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,

and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show

on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.

[Aside]

Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.

[Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA]

[To FABIAN]

I have his horse to take up the quarrel:

I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.

FABIAN

He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and

looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

SIR TOBY BELCH

[To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight

with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better

bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now

scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for

the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.

VIOLA

[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would

make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

FABIAN

Give ground, if you see him furious.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman

will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;

he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has

promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he

will not hurt you. Come on; to't.

SIR ANDREW

Pray God, he keep his oath!

VIOLA

I do assure you, 'tis against my will.

[They draw]

[Enter ANTONIO]

ANTONIO

Put up your sword. If this young gentleman

Have done offence, I take the fault on me:

If you offend him, I for him defy you.

SIR TOBY BELCH

You, sir! why, what are you?

ANTONIO

One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more

Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

[They draw]

[Enter Officers]

FABIAN

O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I'll be with you anon.

VIOLA

Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you,

I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily

and reins well.

First Officer

This is the man; do thy office.

Second Officer

Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

ANTONIO

You do mistake me, sir.

First Officer

No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,

Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.

Take him away: he knows I know him well.

ANTONIO

I must obey.

[To VIOLA]

This comes with seeking you:

But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.

What will you do, now my necessity

Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me

Much more for what I cannot do for you

Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;

But be of comfort.

Second Officer

Come, sir, away.

ANTONIO

I must entreat of you some of that money.

VIOLA

What money, sir?

For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,

And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,

Out of my lean and low ability

I'll lend you something: my having is not much;

I'll make division of my present with you:

Hold, there's half my coffer.

ANTONIO

Will you deny me now?

Is't possible that my deserts to you

Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,

Lest that it make me so unsound a man

As to upbraid you with those kindnesses

That I have done for you.

VIOLA

I know of none;

Nor know I you by voice or any feature:

I hate ingratitude more in a man

Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,

Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption

Inhabits our frail blood.

ANTONIO

O heavens themselves!

Second Officer

Come, sir, I pray you, go.

ANTONIO

Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here

I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,

Relieved him with such sanctity of love,

And to his image, which methought did promise

Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

First Officer

What's that to us? The time goes by: away!

ANTONIO

But O how vile an idol proves this god

Thou hast, Sebastian